The word ‘rejection’ is ominous! I have been thinking a lot about the word ‘rejection.’ It’s not one that conjures up warm fuzzy feelings. In fact, it’s just the opposite. For me, it has brought mostly fear and sadness. Whether it’s rejection from love, a college admission letter or now most important my new heart transplant, the word ‘rejection’ is ominous indeed.
So, it’s a bit more than scary now. To hear your physician say (and I could palpably feel the angst) “you are rejecting your heart”. First of all, I am still in denial of the whole illness thing, then there is the whole transplant thing, and now there is the whole rejection of the new heart thing - and at 7 months! What’s up with that? Well, it’s these gosh darn drugs that are keeping me alive but just aren’t working right.
Had another biopsy yesterday, two weeks after the last positive episode. I admit I am a bit unnerved about this whole thing. So I had to ask what’s next. Considering my last cyclosporine level showed I was not therapeutic, not by a long shot, I won’t be surprised if this one is too positive. How positive is the question. I got the sense they are not going to mess around. If this is a ‘2’ after the steroid pulse, I’m in for the big guns. So sitting waiting for the call.
So I am kind of getting used to the new deal. It’s summer. I am not at the lake. I am, however, trying to make the most of my summer. Slathered in 70 spf sunscreen, hat on, long sleeved breezy silk top over a tank top, out I go for a walk or sit in the backyard to take in the birds, the flowers, my latest book. A different summer, but I can get used to it. I think my physicians would be proud.
The steroids weren’t as bad as I had anticipated. A bit wired, my house got very clean. Dusted places I haven’t even seen before! I had some trouble sleeping but I expected a whole lot worse. I only hope they did their job and my body behaves and stops attacking MY NEW HEART. I envision Pac man-like creatures eating away , and then I get really freaked and have to go back to Lamaze breathing. Another biopsy soon will tell the tale.